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The Prime Minister Prepares for the Press Conference


“With narrowed eyes people plot evil; with a smirk, they plan their mischief.”

-Proverbs 16:30


Just shut the fuck up, Tudge, and let me think. 

I’ll need a woman with me, dressed in pink;

From cabinet is best – you just pick any.

It’s not like we have got that fucking many. 

If not Marise, get Anne – I’ll impale ya

If I end up going out there with Michaelia.

You think the journos are all mercenary?

You learn that from your old press secretary?

Abetz, Canavan, Cash, Roberts, Stoker,

Molan, Hanson, Hume, that Colbeck joker,

Fierravanti-Wells: it gets me down.

What a fucking line up. Send in the clowns.

You think the press are bad? That’s what you tell me?

Have you not fucking met Craig fucking Kelly?

I’ll go and tell them all the standard lines:

“It’s in the past”, or, “Now is not the time”;

Object to the word “bonk” with indignation,

Voice outraged in holy imprecation;

I’ll smirk; my fist will clench; I’ll rail; glower;

I’ll positively stink of male power

And claim that (’cept for gays) who we to bed

Is private; and besides, the wench is dead –

Well, hounded out: that’s true, but the fact is

We’re following the best of corporate practice.

The press might want the truth, as in A, B – 

I’ll make sure my answers are from C, D:

The man can’t lie who first decides what he’ll see:

Just get Phil Gaetjens’ to do an inquiry.

When on the noble-seeming search for truth

You look instead for reasons that will suit

What you think true already in your heart:

Belief becomes the proof; faith, facts; horse, cart.

The God I worship was a refugee

Just like the ones I pushed back out to sea;

He loved the poor; I, prosperity.

The contradictions, mate, don’t worry me. 

When I’m between what’s needed and what’s true

To knees I fall, and look up to the blue,

And face the test all Christians have been through:

“O Lord,” I ask, “what would Mitch McConnell do?”

We in this party have believed for long

That following self-interest makes us strong; 

COVID made the common good our saviour,

Suddenly we’re all for Team Australia – 

The vaccine comes, it’s back to being jerks:

Incontrovertibly the system works.

It’s heads they lose, and tails we fucking win.

That’s just our way. Fuck off. Send Christian in.